As much as I wish I could say I began meditating because I was on some beautiful path to enlightenment, the truth is that I started meditating out of desperation.
About 8 years ago, I found myself in a therapist’s office feeling hopeless. I had just ended a long-term relationship, quit my job, and felt a deep sense of disconnection to myself, my path forward, and “who I was.” I felt panicky, like I needed to figure everything out, but had no idea where to start and zero capacity to do so.
My therapist suggested that in addition to our ongoing talk therapy and cognitive-behavioural therapy, experimenting with meditation would be a good way to create some distance from my thoughts and put them into perspective.
At first it felt dumb.
Like I was watching myself from outside my body, thinking “as if this is ever going to work.” Meditation wasn’t as mainstream at the time, so I fought through a lot of thoughts like:
“How sad is it that you have to go to this extent in order to feel “normal”
“No one else needs to do this to feel ok… What’s wrong with me?”
Ironically, meditation would eventually teach me to notice this exact type of self-defeating and highly critical thinking and offer myself some more compassion.
Today, I am eternally grateful to my therapist for introducing me to the beautiful and simple practice of meditation, which continues to challenge and teach me new things about myself all the time.
I think the skill I am most grateful for is the ability to not “fight against myself” or my thoughts.
The ability to welcome any and all thoughts and experiences without judgement, and recognize them all as having ‘helpful information’ to offer. To not brace against or push away from troubling thoughts— but not cling to positive thoughts either.
At the time, my therapist shared a beautiful poem with me that captures this sentiment. I still think about it to this day:
To me, this poem is all about letting go of resistance. Surrendering to our experience and honouring every thought and emotion as equally valuable.
Here’s to greeting our “guests”, however annoying they may be, with open arms.